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Eleven Reasons Liberals Should Join the War on Jihadia

Since it’s obvious that protecting Western Civilization and America in particular doesn’t quite get the liberal heart beating as well as you might expect for people who have had no qualms with reaping its benefits, it’s essential to point out why the War on Jihadia is important for our politically southpaw friends. Of course they’re open-minded and capable of listening to all sides of an issue, but as strident (and a bit nutty) Berkeley linguistics professor George Lakoff notes, sometimes it helps to couch – or frame - things in the “other’s” terms. Here are eleven reasons why your leftist buddies should support the War.

  1. ENVIRONMENT. In a word: oil. Oh, yes, Chimpy McHallibushitler is awash in oil. But then, so are the sheiks and madrasses. International Islamic terrorism is pretty much funded by petrodollars. Capitalists only chase dollars. If it was more profitable to trade water, they would do that instead of oil. But when your base of operations are several nations with no apparent intellectual capital and no natural resources but oil and figs to generate wealth, then you’ve really got an interest in seeing those fossil fuels burn.
   Moreover, as Saddam Hussein showed when he set fire to those oil wells and drained those precious wetlands, environmental destruction is done out of a matter of convenience, without any thought or care. Environmental destruction isn’t limited to minerals or vegetation. Iranian caviar fetches a high price in part because of the over fishing of sturgeon. Think of the destruction of all those baby fish. The War on Jihadia: do it for the whales.

  1. ABORTION. Speaking of destroying babies, reproductive rights are pretty much null and void throughout Jihadia. Not only can 13-year-old girls not get partial-birth, taxpayer-subsidized abortions without parental consent, but they can’t get them at all. What kind of a society doesn’t promote those fine virtues? The War on Jihadia: do it for the choice.

  1. WOMEN’S RIGHTS. Virtues. Ah, yes. In Jihadia, women are virtuous. Or dead. One of the best ways to maintain a virtuous woman is to cut off her clitoris when she’s a juvenile and sew the labia minor shut to the width of a matchstick. That way, she won’t enjoy having clumsy, inattentive, abusive, sweaty, hairy, over-cologned men climbing all over her. Sure, that sounds backwards – you’d think forcing those clumsy, inattentive, abusive, sweaty, hairy, over-cologned men to behave themselves would be the answer, but what do you expect from a culture where women are regularly slaughtered for the crime of being raped?
   Only on Lifetime Television for Hating Men do you find such a bizarre twist of logic in the Western world. Other, more common ways abound, from not allowing women to travel outside of the home without a male escort, to keeping women out of the workforce (forget the glass ceiling, try getting through the wood front door), denying them suffrage, property rights or just general dignity.
    Many claim that in America women are held down by “lookism” the social taboos that “force” women to wear makeup and do their nails. But the truth is, no woman was ever beaten to death because she didn’t apply a sufficient amount of rouge. In Jihadia, women are “respected” by not being allowed to make choices about how they will look. Yes, that sounds backwards, too. You’d think respect would be something the men would be taught, but that’s because you don’t live in Jihadia. The War on Jihadia: do it for the women.

  1. GUN CONTROL. You may have noticed how, in Jihadia, there are a lot of civilians running around with small arms. None of these are registered with the local constabulary or have trigger locks. There was no waiting list to acquire these and many of them actually look like “assault weapons.” Wait. Actually, they’re worse. They’re fully-automatic weapons, something “assualt weapons” aren’t despite what guys like Ted Kennedy and John Kerry have said (and you’d think he ought to know).
   These guns are in the hands of private citizens. What could be more horrifying than that? I mean, other than the U.S. Military. If we could muster Janet Reno and the ATF to go kill a bunch of reclusive American women and children holed up and alone in a house in Texas with these kinds of weapons, why can’t we do the same to people who waive them in the air and fire off bullets in random, public places? What kind of example does that make for the kids? The War of Jihadia: do it for the children.

  1. AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. Simply doesn’t exist. Legal immigrants in Jihadia are given no rights at all and often end up as virtual slaves. Which you may suppose is better off than being actual slaves. Many places in Jihadia still practice domestic female bondage and still trade in black slaves. In parts of African Jihadia, black Africans are lucky if they are treated as secondary citizens. Many have been the victims of ethnic cleansing and genocide. And you thought not getting a free ride into a college whose requirements were well beyond your abilities was “being held down.” The War on Jihadia: do it for the brown people.

  1. SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE. Yeah. Not so much. Even Saddam Hussein – the guy who had the largest government-subsidized food and drug plan on earth – had thousands of kids dying every year because of lack of food and medical treatment. Apparently you can’t cure anybody with a solid gold toilet seat. Moreover, the States of Jihadia are not big on providing free health care to illegal aliens either. The jerks. The War on Jihadia: do it for single-payer health care.

  1. GAY RIGHTS. In Jihadia, gays do not get to say any stupid thing that comes to mind, like Time magazine’s Andrew Sullivan. They are not celebrated for their contributions to society (the list of gays who have contributed to the culture and success of Western society is long, indeed). In Jihadia don’t get to socialize in bars (because, well, there aren’t any bars), coffeehouses and houses of bathing, have parades, publications, movies and novels dedicated to their sexuality, adopt or even marry. Mainly because it’s hard to marry when you’re being thrown off a building, publicly hanged or having a brick wall dropped on you. The value of supporting the War against Jihadia couldn’t be more clear: do it for the gays.

  1. RELIGIOUS CONSERVATISM. Get this: in Jihadia, they don’t teach neo-Darwinism. (For those of you New York Times readers who don’t know, despite having the stubby, little amphibian on your bumper, neo-Darwinism – or the modern evolutionary synthesis - includes genetics. Darwinism does not because Chuck didn’t know about Gregor.) In Jihadia, it’s all-creationism all the time. And not some soft integrationist approach like, “there’s a God who used evolution to create mankind.” Real, hard-up captial-C Creationism. That alone is worth going to war over.
   Jihadia textbooks not only don’t teach that humans share a common ancestry with pigs and monkeys, Jihadia textbooks teach that humans – particularly Jews – are pigs and monkeys. For a reality-based community like we find in liberal America, such fact-mangling is beyond the pale. Like you, Jihadia hates and fears Christians. Unlike you, they hate and fear secularists and atheists as well. Hey, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Which, I guess means you’d be friends with Jihadia. But also friends with Christian crusader warmongers. So I guess we’ll just call this one neutral.

  1. RECREATIONAL PHARMACEUTICAL USE. All those juicy opium poppies growing out there in the Afghani mountains and plains? It’s just for you. Because in Jihadia, recreational pharmaceuticals use is frowned upon, dude. Well, it’s frowned upon before they murder you with joyful glee, as the dealing of recreational pharmaceuticals carries the death penalty in parts of Eastern Jihadia, as it once did in Afghanistan under the Taliban. The War on Jihadia: do it for the drugs.

  1. SOCIAL JUSTICE. Sure, that’s a deliberately meaningless phrase. (What is justice, and how is it social rather than singularly personal? And who decides what is just for a society? How?). But let’s take a shot at what we think it may possibly mean. Many people claim that there’s a gap between the rich and poor in the West. Since there’s a universal floor to poverty – six feet below the ground – the difference is in how high you can go, as well as, possibly – though this never seems to enter the discussion – the standard deviation of wealth from a theoretical mean.
   But what is money if not something to leverage time, energy or power? In the west, We think Bill Gates or some such is the wealthiest man alive. But Bill Gates doesn’t really have that much power. He can’t, for example, order a bunch of Christians to be fed to lions, much as this would please so many progressives in America. Neither can he order anybody’s execution on the slightest whim. Well, he can, but he would be subject to the law, which might impose the death penalty for premeditated murder.
    Yet in Jihadia, the lowliest enforcer gets to kill with random, wanton fervor. Sons and fathers who have been dishonored by their sister’s or daughter’s rape by or refusal to marry some clumsy, inattentive, abusive, sweaty, hairy, over-cologned jihadi-boy often express their dishonor by killing the poor girl. Which you would think would be pathetic and dishonorable enough – that is, a grown man using a weapon against an unarmed girl, but whatev. The War on Jihadia: do it for the... um, justice?

  1. DEATH PENALTY. You know when you hear people say “America uses the death penalty more than any other nation in the industrialized world?” Well, they’re conveniently leaving the good Chinese Communists out of that statement. But more to the point, do you want to know what makes up a large part of the non-industrialized world? Jihadia. Because much of Jihadia has no apparent intellectual capital or job skills other than making roadside bombs and pumping oil, Jihadia remains part of the non-industrialized world.
   Don’t believe it? Think that’s being mean? Between 1977 and 2004 3,101,719 patents were issued in the United States from all over the world. Of those, Organization of Islamic Conference member countries issued 1,542 of them, or less than 0.05% of the total. Comparatively, Japan issued 574,865 of them, or 18% of the total.
    But back to killin’ people. Life is cheap in Jihadia. Particularly if you’re black, gay or a woman. Or if you’re insufficiently devout, don’t like the mullahs, happen to be a bunch of schoolgirls in a burning building, want to write decent literature or have a little freedom. The War on Jihadia: do it for life.
Posted on Friday, June 23, 2006 9:04 PM | Back to top

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